Bacon Porno

Today’s post is an angry, bitter one. The subject matter, bacon, doesn’t really make me angry, though you will soon find out that a lot of what is going on in the world of bacon, is more than mildly irritating.

The main reason for my soon to be boiling-over agression is that after writing, rewriting and double-checking the post, I managed to lose it completely.

Managing this feat is proof that opposing thumbs are simply not enough. What should have been an everyday “Apple-C” command ended up turning the letter “c” into the funny looking c-like letter found in Provençe. And what should have be an easy fix ended with my stupid thumbs and even stupider fingers managing to “Save” the c-with-a-tail letter, resulting in the permanent loss of what was without a doubt an intelligent, witty piece about bacon.

But screw it, let’s get back to the bacon. It may surprise you that a carnivorous country boy like me is whining about such an important ingredient. The problem is not the bacon itself although there is no shortage of crappy bacon being made today. I am just tired of reading about, hearing about, watching videos about, the next new bacon concoction. There is a guy here in Norway named Christopher Sjuve. He has written a book called “Alt blir bedre med bacon” (“Everything is Better with Bacon”). It´s a great book and I´m fine with it – because it is a book about bacon. What I can´t stomach is the obligatory weird bacon recipe thrown in articles as if to prove that “Hey, I can also do something stupid with bacon – just like everyone else.” I can’t remember the last time I read a food magazine or checked out a food-based website, where something-with-bacon didn´t raise its ugly head. And as much as I love bacon I have simply had enough.

Bacon 1

This seems an appropriate time to mention that bacon can really never be better than newly fried dry-cured bacon made by somebody who cares about their bacon. A couple of eggs certainly don’t hurt but when you start adding ingredients or fancying-up cooking methods, you’re headed for trouble.

My last experience with this, and the most frightening bacon experience ever, came during my recent visit to The State Fair of Oklahoma. I hadn’t been to the fair since I was a teenager so I thought it high time that I check out what’s been going on there for the past four decades.

Bacon, that’s what. Sure, you will find corndogs and cotton candy and turkey legs (also available wrapped in bacon), but bacon was king. Being the level-headed, devoted food guy that I am, I decided to set aside my unhappiness with most things bacon and see what the State Fair had to offer.

Bacon 2
In the end I landed on a stand called “The Bacon Habit”, a name that conjures up pictures of desparate bacon addicts looking for new spots to inject their smoky, salty drug of choice.

There were lots of bacon dishes available but I decided to drop the porkabella kabob and instead try the chocolate-covered bacon, the cheesy bacon bombs and the beer batter bacon (the last two served with french fries).

There were so many issues with these bacon creations: jawdroppingly poor ingredients, frying oil that could peel paint and an overall still life with grease I had never before experienced. If heroin was as bad as the bacon entries I sampled at the fair, we would be living in a junkie-free world.

Here is a message to chefs, food writers and bacon-lovers world wide: Slam on the brakes! Let’s stop treating bacon as the new kale, kimchi or worse, the new foam. Let’s keep bacon on our breakfast plates, on a burger or maybe a pizza. If someone serves me a Korean bacon taco with bacon foam I’ll put them in a wheelchair!

Much better. I feel the tension easing. It’s time for a cup of green tea and a salad…

3 thoughts on “Bacon Porno”

  1. Nice!! I LOVE bacon, and I add it to much of my wild-game dishes, but when it grows into a fetish, it’s time to slow it down just a little bit! My facebook page is absolutely cluttered with theese bacon-mutations you’re referring to. Its a bit disturbing:-)

    1. Thanks Ronny! I love bacon as well, and love to just cook it properly and enjoy it. We can start a club: Give us a bacon break :-). Thanks for your comments. Craig

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